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jrnational Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
. Z9 fll6 states) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



No. 364 



Hooverizing Internationalle 

• A PLAY IN ONE ACT 



BY 

REBECCA P. ABRAHAMSON 



Copyright, 1918, By Samuel French 



AMATEURS MAY PRODUCE THIS PLAY WITHOUT PAY- 
MENT OF ROYALTY. PROFESSIONAL RIGHTS RE- 
STRICTED 



PRICE 25 CENTS 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



Hooverizing Internationalle 



A PLAY IN ONE ACT 



BY 



REBECCA P. ABRAHAMSON 



CoPYBiQHT, 1918, Bt Samuel Fbench 



AMATEURS MAY PRODUCE THIS PLAY WITHOUT PAY- 
MENT OF ROYALTY. PROFESSIONAL RIGHTS RE- 
STRICTED 



New Yobk 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

FUBLISEEB 

28-30 West 38th STEEET 



LOIfDON 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 SOtTTHAMFTON STBEET 

STRAND 



^v 



©GiD 50168 
AUG 15/9(8 



TMP92-008538 



«a^« 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Doolittle A young housekeeper 

Mrs. Needless Her intimate friend 

Celeste A maid of resources 

Nora O'Shaunossy Who discharges herself 

Ingeboc Christiana Jannsen. . . .A belligerent ap- 
plicant 
Gretchen Schlangenheimer. . . . J'F'i7/m(7 to meet 

circumstances 

Mrs. Shortly Policewoman 

Mrs. Thoroughly Policezvouiaii 

Sing Young A patriot of value 

Miranda Stonewall Jackson. . . .With a touch of 

the Southland 

Scene: Mrs. Doolittlc's Apartment 

TidME: Present Era of the Great War. 

3 



Hooverizing Internationalle 



Scene: Mrs. Doolittle's living-room; a handsomely 
furnished interior. A wide arch opening on 
the R. Door on the l. Windozv c. All draped. 
Interior backing at doors. Exterior, sky line 
backing, at windozv. Table c. Chair r. of 
table. Chair l. of table. Settee down-stage, 
R. of c. Desk, with telephone, on the l. against 
the zvall, belozv door. Light chair at desk. 
Push button on zvall at lozver end of r. opening. 
Add additional furniture to dress the back- 
ground, but do not crowd. 

At Rise: Mrs. Doolittle is seated l. of table c. 
She is handsomely dressed in morning attire, 
cap, and slippers; she has a small knitting bag 
in her lap and is knitting in pink silk. 

(Celeste, the French maid, speaks outside r. door.) 

Celeste. (Speaking outside r.) My mistress is 
here. Madame — if you are so kind to come up. 

(Mrs. Doolittle, catching the words, hastily and in 
some impatience, tucks her knitting into bag, 
drawing out army work — gray scarf.) 

Mrs. Needless. (Replying to Celeste outside 
r.) Thank you my dear! Mrs. Doolittle rises 
and advances a step, facing r. Enter Mrs. Need- 

5 



6 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

LESS from R. :>.Irs. Needless greets her in gushing 
fashion) 

Mrs. Doolittle. \'iolet! how sweet of you to 
drop in so early, my dear! Do sit down and keep 
me company. 

Mrs. Needless. Just for a moment, darling. 
(Advancing to chair at r. of table, and leaving a 
small fancy fruit basket she carries, on table) You 
must be busy with such a large dinner party on for 
to-night. 

Mrs. Doolittle. Never too busy to see you, dear 
Violet! (Returning to her seat at l. of table) 

Mrs. Needless. What courage you have to en- 
tertain on such a large scale, even on Thanksgiving 
— and everything so high ! (Seating herself r. of 
table) But, as I said to Franklin when we received 
your invitation, " No wonder Claudie gives these 
lavish dinner parties. Rutherford supplies her with 
a most generous housekeeping allowance. No 
Hooverizing there!" (Mrs. Doolittle laughs, 
pleased, continuing to knit) My dear — (Leaning 
forivard eagerly) Do you know what Franklin 
answered me? (Mrs. Doolittle pauses, looking at 
her. Continuing, after dramatic pause) Well, I've 
made up my mind I'll tell you ! Franklin said that 
Rutherford has been getting such tips lately, on the 
stock market, that he could afford to give you any- 
thing within reason. And I said — (Pause, then 
rattling on) — I said — " If Claudia Doolittle knows 
of any tips on the market — anything sure to make 
a lot of money, why, she'll tell us, because these are 
war times, and everybody wants to help everyone 
else, don't they?" That's the right spirit — (Coax- 
ingly) patriotic, isn't it, darling — to pass along any- 
thing helpful and tips are helpful, aren't they? And 
Franklin said, maybe you'd be close-mouthed about 
it — the market, but I said — "I know Claudia isn't 
that kind — she never was when we were girls — she'll 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 7 

be only too anxious to help us along and do her 
' bit '." I knew you would, darling. 

Mrs. DooLiTTLE. (Earnestly) Really Violet, the 
way you put it, makes one feel like a slacker! 
(Looking at Mrs. Needless, tvith most amiable 
innocence) But do you know, Violet dear, Ruther- 
ford doesn't tell me a thing about business! He 
jokes about it — says what I don't know, I can't tell ! 
(Light laugh) 

Mrs. Needless. (Disappointed) Oh, does he? 
I think husbands should tell their wives everything. 
(Rising) 

Mrs. Doolittle. (/;/ surprise) Why, what's 
\'Our hurry? You just came in? 

Mrs. Needless. (Picking up basket) I must 
run along and give cook these before luncheon. 
(Her hand on the basket as she moves toward r. 
door) 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Rising, advancing below table ) 
Do let me see what you have! I just love to get 
new recipes. 

(Mrs. Needless opens the basket, taking from it a 
large ripe tomato, and large, green bell pepper.) 

Mrs. Needless. I didn't get much for lunch 
to-day. There are only the two maids and the 
chauffeur — for myself, I don't care much — I know 
when we dine here, there will be an elaborate 
menu. (Mrs. Doolittle smiles self-consciously) 
And for the servants, these will do nicely, com- 
bined with spaghetti. (Putting them back in basket ) 
It makes a most nourishing and delicious dish for 
their luncheon and does away with everything else. 
Do you read the Helpful Housekeeper? No! Oh, 
my darling, you should! / do — it gives the most 
useful advice to young housekeepers. One hardly 
has to use anything, and yet, be constantly and 



8 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

correctly well fed. But— (ludicatmg Mrs. Doo- 
little's knitting bag) do let me see your other work 
before I go. 

Mrs. Doolittle. Well, of course, when I'm out 
among friends, I always do Red Cross work. (In 
some confusion drazving out pink silk zvork, dis- 
playing it) But here, in the morning, in my own 
hoiiie, in negligee, something intimate seems in bet- 
ter taste. (Regarding Mrs. Needless innocently) 
Don't you think so, my dear ? 

Mrs. Needless. (Smiling, knowihgly, looking 
at knitting) The personal touch — it counts so much 
— I understand, darling. In private, you are knitting 
powder bags to match all your gowns. Lovely ! 
(Crossing to r. door) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Must you really go ? (Advanc- 
ing a step toward Mrs. Needless) 

Mrs. Needless. So sorry, darling — au revoir un- 
til this evening. (Coaxingly) Do put my Frank- 
lin near Rutherford at the table — those helpful hints 
you know — mean so much in war time — ^you half 
promised 

Mrs. Doolittle. What are you going to wear? 

Mrs. Needless. {^Returning from the door, zvith 
enthusiasm) I've a stunning new gown! Do you 
know dearest that by Hooverizing — on the servants' 
meals, and by accepting all the invitations Frank- 
lin gets to dine, I have saved enough from my house- 
keeping allowance to buy a magnificent gown ! And 
you see that is really, a conscientious saving! 

Mrs. Doolittle. I know your dresse is a dream ! 

Mrs. Needless. It is — it will surprise you. darl- 
ing. (Advancing to door again) 

Mrs. Doolittle. I'm wild to see it 

Mrs. Needless. You shall to-night — bye-bye — 
(Exit R.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Good-bye — come earlv dear- 
est! 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 9 

Mrs. Needless. (Outside r.) I will darling, 
Bye-bye 

(Mrs. Doolittle stands up c. smiling off r. until 
the door is heard to close off R. Then her 
affectionate manner disappears, and a patronis- 
ing sneer comes over Iter face, as she almost 
turns np her nose after Mrs. Needless' exit.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. What a miserly creature Vio- 
let is — always was in school ! Hooverizing for her 
gowns! How disgusting! I'll wager she won't re- 
turn my dinner invitation this whole season ! Prob- 
ab'y wait until the war is over and everything is 
cheap! {A step toxvard c. facing l.) 

(Enter from l. Celeste, the French maid, in ner- 
vous excitement.) 

Celeste. Oh. Madam.e, pardon — (Advancing a 
step) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Celeste — what is it? (Advanc- 
ing dozvn r. of table, to position down r. c.) 

Celeste. (Advancing a step down l. of table, in 
distress) Madame, as I tell you yesterday — Nora, 
the cook, is so discontent — and now, she give me 
notice zat she leave zee very minute ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Dear me ! why so, Celeste ? 

Celeste. She is, oh, so angry at ze grand dinner 
party this night — and if she go, no one is there to 
prepare ze menu. 

Mrs. Doolittle. (M^ith injured air) This is 
dreadful — and very ungrateful on Nora's part. I 
always treated her kindly, and she is a wonderful 
cook — perhaps it is only a whiff of temper — we 
must pacify her. 

Celeste. She is not so easy — she scold, stamp 
foot — (Stamping her foot) She say it ees wrong, 
ze big dinner 



10 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

AIrs. Doolittle. {Indignantly) I am not to be 
dictated to by my cook — — 

Cklesti:. Zc cook is most always what you call 
— ze boss! (Nodding her head firmly) 

Mrs. DooLiTTLE. (A bit nervously) The -dinner 
is perfectly proper — don't you think so Celeste? 
(Dropping into the chair at r. of table) 

Celeste. (Advancing a step to l. of table) 
.Mebbe, Madame, it would be better not to have ze 
dinner — ze food is scarce — and ze cook is scarce 

Mrs. Dooltttle. That will do, Celeste — we must 
go on with our arrangements. Don't you think we 
can engage another cook? 

Celeste. When I see Nora angry yesterday, I 
telephone to ze employment agency, and zay say 
some cooks will come — but not yet have they, Mad- 
ame 

Mrs. Doolittle. I could never permit my friends 
to hear of this embarrassing situation — we must 
appease Nora — I will promise her something — any- 
thing — tell her I want to talk to her 

Celeste. Oui, Madame — (Turning briskly to 
L. door) 

(Enter from l. door Nora; she looks angry and 
defiant, and clutches her hat resolutely in one 
hand, as she slozvly advances, her eye on Mrs. 
Doolittle.) 

Nora. I'm here, ma'am 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Siveetly, smiling at Nora) 
Come in, Nora 

Nora. I'm in, as fast as I can, to speak for me- 
self! (Advancing) 

Mrs. Doolittle. You may go, Celeste. (Cel- 
este bozvs and exits l. leaving door open) What is 
this I hear, Nora? Surely you would not leave 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE ii 

Nora. I would ! '{Her eye fastened defiantly on 
Mrs. Doolittle) 

Mrs. Doolittle. It is positively wicked to leave 
us on this day, of all days 

Nora. 'Tis this day, of all days, I'd be afther 
leavin' ye, to learn ye, and thim like ye, a lesson ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Rising, amased) Why, Nora! 
We always praised your cooking ! 

Nora. May the Saints forgive me for every 
meal I cooked for ye ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. I cannot understand why you 
act like this 

Nora. (Wrathfully) A bad day it was whin 
I found this place ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Stop — tell me, quietly, what is 
the matter? 

Nora. (Wrathfully) I'll tell ye, but it won't be 
quiet. When ye ordered all thim ingredients for 
your dinner party to-night, for the ladies and gintle- 
men ye invited, and all that food w^s brought to the 
kitchen, it struck me here! (Her heart) 1 says, 
" little it is these rich folks thinks of the starvin' 
creatures over in the ould country, the ones that's 
sufferin' in rags this very day, Thanksgiving, and " 
the ones that has nothing to eat ! " 

Mrs. Doolittle. I have ofteii sent laree orders 
for luncheons, teas — you never objected before I 

Nora. I did, but it niver struck me so hard as 
it did to-day — it's on me soul — and I'm done wid 
yez ! (A step to l.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. But Nora, think 

Nora. (Turning on her zvrathfully) 1 am think- 
in' — I'm doing that very thing as hard as I can. 
(Advancing a step) Yisterday, I signed the 
pledge 

Mrs. Doolittle. The pledge — what pledge? 

Nora. To save food, to waste nothin', because 
it's the dooty of every good Christian to think of 



12 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

the sufferin' across the sea. 'Twas a real lady that 
explained it to me at the back door — an' me heart 
is torn to pieces with the sin I've been committin' 
day afther day with the everlastin' cookin' for ye, 
everything ye want, and yez never stoppin' a min- 
ute to think of the hunger of the little children 
over there! {Wcepitig) Oh, warra, warra! I'll 
never be forgiven ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. That will do, Nora — your 
•howling gets on my nerves! (Turning in irritation 
toward r. opening) 

Nora. {Indignantly, through her tears) Your 
nerves is it — bad luck to thim ! All ye think of is 
yourself, eatin' and sleepin' — closin' your eyes an' 
dreamin' your life away in your foine bird-cage ! 
Beds to sleep in, chairs to sit on — and thim poor 
creatures in Europe, without a bit of a roof above 
their heads ! Sure, if you don't mend your ways, 
the divil himself will get you, and it's meself, Nora 
O'Shaunossy that's tellin' ye, so 1 {Advancing to- 
zvard r. door) 

Mrs. Doolittle. I suppose we cannot persuade 
you to stay, Nora? {Ringing bell r.) 

Nora. Ye can't — I say ye can't ! ( Clapping her 
hat angrily on her head, as she crosses to r.) I'll 
sind for me trunks, but I'll go first to get the sin 
off me soul by making a good confession, and — 
as a penance — (With determination) I'll eat no 
meat, and no bread for seven days. 'Tis yourself 
should be doin' the same, bad luck to ye! (Exit 
R. stormily) 

(Mrs. Doolittle sighing, moves dozvn to r. c. En- 
ter Celeste from l.) 

Celeste. You ring, Madame? (Advancing a 
step) 

Mrs. Dolittle. (r.) Yes, Nora was very im- 
pertinent ; so of course I had to let her go. 



HOOVERIZING INTERN ATIONALLE 13 

Celeste. Zen we will not have ze party to-night ? 

Mrs. Doolittle. {Sez'crely) Of course we will 
have it — we cannot cancel anything so important 
as a dinner. Have you heard from the employment 
agency ? 

Celeste. Oui, Madame, one cook she arrive al- 
ready. {JiiDiing to L. door) 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Pleased ) Celeste, you are a 
treasure — I shall not forget you when Christmas 
comes. Send the girl in here. (Seating herself on 
R. end of settee r. c, knitting on pink siik. E.v^ 
Celeste a second l.) I don't know how I should 
ever get along without my dear little Celeste — she 
is so resourceful, in a crisis. 

(Re-enter Celeste from l. follozved by the Szvedish 
cook, Ingebog. She carries large knitting bag, 
with knitting. ) 

Celeste. Zis is ze lady cook, Madame? 
Mrs. Doolittle. (Smiling amiably at the girl) 
Good-morning. 

(Ingebog ambles forzvard azvkzcardly, zvhile Cel- 
este exits L. leaving door open.) 

Ingebog. (Stolidly) Fine day ! (Advancing to 
dozvn c.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Won't you sit down? 

Ingebog. I t'ink I will. (She crosses deliber- 
ately and scats herself beside Mrs. Doolittle, ar- 
ranging herself comfortably, to Mrs. Doolittle's 
horror as she surrenders the seat) 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Standing r.) I am obliged 
to engage a cook under rather odd circumstances 
— I will explain 

(Ingebog comfortably seated, takes her knitting 
from bag.) 



14 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

Ingebog. I t'ink I don't mind it — I yust listen, 
und knit for soljiers. 

Mrs. Doolittle. What is your name? 

IxGEBOG. Ingebog Christiana Janneson — that is 
not my full name 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Hastily) That will do. 

IxGEBOG. You yust call me Ingebog — easy and 
simple. (Knitting) 

Mrs. Doolittle. My husband is very particular 
about his cooking 

Ingebog. What is his name? 

I^.Irs. Doolittle. (I)i mild surprise) The same 
as mine — Mr. Doolittle 

Ingebog H'm — Myster — Do-nothing — yes ? 

Mrs. Doolittle. Mr. Doolittle ! 

Ingebog. Do-little — Do-nothing — -yust the same ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Have you good references? 

Ingebog. Das all right, lady — I got plenty ref- 
erence — ole ones and young ones. (Slozvly, impres- 
sively) But, I yust like to have some references, 
too, about this place, before I'm coming here to 
cook. 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Indignantly) Oh, references 
from me! (Calling) Celeste! 

Ingebog. I t'ink I am particular! 

(Re-enter Celeste from l.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Celeste, I want to satisfy this 
young lady that she will find this a very agreeable 
place to live — are yon satisfied? 

Celeste. Madame is most kind — (Botving) 

Mrs. Doolittle. (To Ingebog) You see? 
Continuing, hurriedly, erasiz'ely) You see how 
pleased she is ! ( With a gesture to-^card Celeste, 
-i^'ho retires up-stage a step, remaining quietly at- 
tentive) Are you a fancy cook? 

Ingebog. (Pause in her knitting) I am not 
^o fancy now. Before war, I am cooking every- 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 15 

thing yust for the best fine ole families. I don't care 
how much I am using 

Mrs. DooLiTTLE. {Delighted) That is splendid ! 
I want you to stay and begin to-night — I am giving 
a large dinner party 

Ingebog. Dinner party — (Rising) You are mis- 
taking, lady — I would not come here. I belong to 
the First Methodist Episcopal Church. Our Rev- 
erend Olsen preach las' Sunday' how we all help 
win fight — we must Hooverize — that is why I leave 
my las' place — I sign pledge to save food, I keep 
that sign — so, that is why I not stay, if Dolittle 
give dinner party ! {Moving a step toivard r. door) 

Mrs. Doolittle. But you will surely help this 
time? You see how helpless I am — I will pay you 
well 

Ingebog. It pays me better to save — so I feel 
happy. 

Mrs. Doolittle. {In distress) But just think 
of disappointing forty guests ! 

Ingebog. I glad you disappoint — forty dinner 
party is a wicked sin — in Europe there is to-day 
not food — only a little — you give dinner party, waste 
food, waste money what starving poor people much 
need. It is sin ! (Advancing to r. door) Good- 
bye, Dolittle^I tell employment lady — you get no 
more Swedish cook — because no Hooverize. (Exit 

R.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Half tearfully) Oh, Celeste, 
what shall I do? Can't we hire anyone? 

Celeste. (Advancing a step) Madame, please 
do not have ze party ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Indignantly) ^ I will have it! 
Anyone would think I am committing a crime! 

Celeste. There is one more cook — outside — she 
is German 

Mrs. Doolittle. For goodness sake, send her 
in. 



i6 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

Celeste. Oui, Madame, {Turning to l. door) 
Sh'' is waiting! {Exit l. a second) 

Mrs. Doolittle. {Injured air) It seems ter- 
rib.e, to be treated like this, when I am trying 
so hard to make people happy! Heaven knows, 
the world needs happiness these days! 

( Re-enter Celeste, shoii'ing in Greta, the German 
cook.) 

Celeste. Her name is Greta, Madame. {Re- 
tiring up to near tvindow) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Wait, Celeste, I may need you. 

Greta. Good-morning. 'Snice house. {Look- 
ing about) You got it no cook? 'S too bad! You 
should like I come? Yes? {Down c. beaming on 
Mrs. Doolittle) 

Mrs. Doolittle. {Encouraged) Indeed I should. 
You wouldn't mind a dinner party to-night — it is 
rather short notice — {Regarding her anxiously) 

Greta. I love dinner parties — when I live by 
Frau Schneider, I am making sometimes always 
dinner parties, and lunches in the afternoon, and 
by night time, such suppers! Ach ! Yes? 

Mrs. Doolittle. {Delighted) You are just 
what I am looking for ! 

Greta. Yah — everybody is looking for Germans 
— I am Gretchen Schlangenheimer 

Mrs. Doolittle. I think I'll call you Gretchen I 
What do you think about Hooverizing? 

Greta. Hooverize — vas is das? {Looking pus- 
sled) 

Mrs. Doolittle. I don't know exactly, only 
everyone seems to be doing it. It means, save food 
to help win the war. 

Greta. {In disgust) Nein, Nein — dat is not 
plenty — I should say — das is plenty 

Mrs. Doolittle. I hope you are not pro-German, 
Greta? 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 17 

Greta. (Evasively) I have nothing to do only, 
by your dinner party — I cook ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. You have really helped me 
wonderfully — you are engaged, Greta, and to-mor- 
rovv, we will explain everything. Just now, Celeste 
will tell you about the arrangements for to-night ! 
(Turning to r. door) Dear me, how relieved I am! 
Celeste, you explain to this good girl ! I am quite 
exhausted! (Exit r.) 

(Celeste advances down to l. of c. Greta r. c. 
turns and looks at her.) 

Greta. So, French? 

Celeste. You are German! (Looking at her 
steadily) 

Greta. You have a nice place here, yet. (Look- 
ing about in vulgar curiosity) What business is he 
in, the mans? (To r. of table) 

Celeste. Monsieur Doolittle is very rich 

Greta. So? I like dat! It is much of every- 
thing I mean, you eat? 

Celeste. Yes, food — zey do not save here — I 
am sorree ! (Sighing) ^ 

Greta. Ach, I like dat ! Everybody should have 
so much to eat — he grow fat — plenty meat, plenty 
bread, plenty sugar ! 

Celeste. Ze other people zey have not so much ! 

Greta. For why should we care? (Shrugging 
her shoulders) 

Celeste. Ze law say we must save, and, I tell 
Madame, but she like big party — what can I do? 

Greta. You do nothing, like it is a good girl. 
(Patting Celeste on the shoulder. Celeste drazvs 
azvay) Why you save for? 

Celeste. For the people of France, for Belgium, 
and for the soldiers ! 

Greta. (Impatiently) Ach! What for soldiers ? 
1 t'ink not so much should eo to England. 



i8 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

Celeste. Oh! Zat is wrong! If Euorpe have 
not ze food, ze munition, ze soldier, what become of 
United States? 

Greta. (Harshly) Germany will take care of 
United States! (Laugh) You t'ink so? 

Celeste. Germany hates the United States, be- 
cause it is big, so, Germany make ship go down with 
food, and little children 

Greta. (Frozvning) It is not so! Last place 
where I come from, I show them how to get plenty 
to eat — Every place where I live, I show — I know 
— (Cunning laugh) I am smart, like Germany! 
(Laughing as she turns up to zvindow c. looking 
out) 

Celeste. (Looking after her) Are you not 
anxious to save, to make sacrifices? 

Greta. (Turning sharply) For what? 

Celeste. To win ze war ! ( Up to near window, 
L, of Greta) 

Greta. (Harshly) I should make of myself 
hungry? Nein, I eat so much — und, if Mr. Doo- 
little want I should, I know German dealers what 
give him everything what he want ! (Looking from 
zvindozv) 

Celeste. (Looking azvay from Greta) I under- 
stand — you break law — you no obey what President 
say, what Monsieur Hoover say 

Greta. (Sharp) I eat, das is what I do — I have 
no more to do with Presidents 

Celeste. (Nervously) Oh! What shall I do! 
(Glancing at Greta fearfully) She is wicked — I 
mus' telephone — (Advancing a step tozvard tele- 
phone) 

Greta. (Turning sharply) What for you tele- 
phone ? 

Celeste. (Pausing, nervously) About ze — ^ze 
confectionaire 

Greta. (Looking from zvindow) Look ! What 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 19 

is does womans? {Looking from windozv in 
alarm ) 

(Celeste runs quickly to the tvindow and looks 
out.) 

Celeste. Ze policewomen! 

Greta. Police! For what they look here? 
{Turning from tvindow) Mebbe I not stay to- 
night. {Dozvn R., back of table) 

Celeste. {Advancing hastily, a step) You prom- 
ise Madame, I tell you about le dinner 

Greta. It will be der big party ? Mebbe I stay 
und make der eatings. 

Celeste. It is ordered — enough to feed so many 
hungry people! But, Madame, she love ze big 
party! {Sighing) 

{Enter Mrs. Doolittle from r., in nervous excite- 
ment.) , 

Mrs. Doolittle. Celeste, where are you. Oh, 
my dear, I am so frightened ! 

Celeste. {Alarmed) Madame! 

Mrs. Doolittle. {Advances to c, up-stage) 
There are two policewomen coming upstairs — they 
insist upon seeing the German woman who came 
to cook for us. 

{Enter from r., briskly, Mrs. Thoroughly and 
Mrs. Shortly, Policewomen. In full uni- 
form, with clubs. They stop in military fash- 
ion — at each side of the r. entrance, the other 
women regarding them in amazement and 
Greta, in alarm.) 

Greta. Policewomen ! I t'ink I go, yet ! ( Turn- 
ing a step to L.) 

Celeste. {Quickly intercepting her) No, you 
stay! 



20 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

Mrs. Doolittle. (To PoUcetvomcu) Ladies, 
what have you come for? 

Mrs. Shortly. Sorry to alarm you, Mrs. Doo- 
little ; we have been shadowing this woman, and I 
reckon she is not much surprised to see us. {Look- 
steadily at Greta) 

Greta. (Angrily) I know you not — I go! 
-(Advancing a step) 

Mrs. Shortly. You will go with us 

Greta. Nein — I go by myself 

Mrs. Shortly. Better take it quietly, Gretchen ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Where are you taking her? 

Mrs. Thoroughly. To the station-house ! 

(Greta alarmed; Mrs. Doolittle astonished.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Station-house ! 

Mrs. Shortly. {To Greta) You are under 
arrest ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Good gracious ! What for ? 

Mrs. Thoroughly. Violation of the food law — 
she is engaged in German service — W^e have been 
following her, from place to place, where she stays 
long enough to induce disloyal persons to hoard 
supplies and buy in excess of governmental allow- 
ance ! 

Greta. (Snappishly, in anger) It is not so — I 
have only something to eat — no more. 

Celeste. It is so — she talk like enemy — ^just now ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Celeste ! How terrible ! 

Mrs. Thoroughly. Come along, Germany ! 
Beckoning Greta as she exits r.) 

Greta. I will not go ! 

Mrs. Shortly. Oh, yes, you will ! (Advancing 
a step, flourishing her club in business-like manner) 
Step lively ! 

(Greta marches briskly forward to r.) 
Greta. (In rage) Ach! America — so! (Snap- 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 21 

ping her fingers) Arrest me, good citizen, because 
I eat ! In the morning, you shoot me. So, I am 
hero, in history, in newspapers ! I care not — it is 
for Germany, und you see what we do when we 
capture United States ! 

(The others laugh in ridicnlc, as Greta stalks out 
R. betzveen Policewomen.) 

Celeste. Vive le United States! 

Mrs. Doolittle. I don't understand how it 
happened ? 

Mrs. Shortly. {In doortvay) It happened, 
Madam, because there are women who will not con- 
serve during these hard times ; if they will not help 
willingly, the law can reach them. They Hooverize. 
or they go to jail ! Good-morning ! {Exit briskly r.) 

Mrs. Doolittle. Oh, Celeste, it seems that fate 
is against us! (Dozvn to r. of table) 

{Enter Sing Young. /;/ full Chinese costume.) 

Sing Young. {Coming in l.) Hello, eblybody ! 
{Smiling at Mrs. Doolittle) 

Mrs. Doolittle. {Astonished) A Chinaman! 
Celeste ! what is he doing here— the laundrv is 
downstairs ! 

Celeste, (l., near table) Madame, he is cook! 

Sing Young. Me Sing Young. Cookee dinnee 
all same. Kitchen?" 

Mrs. Doolittle. Oh, it's enough to give one 
palpitation ! And of course I am grateful ! Rut 
do you understand? After all that has happened, T 
admit, Ave must Hooverize. 

Sing Young. Me Hoobelize allee timee — one wav 
we win such big fight ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Even the Chinaman under- 
stands it ! 



22 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

Sing Young. Understandee all timee. Go Mis- 
sion, learn pray — (Clasping his hands) Likee 
hear me pray, lady ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Cordially) Indeed I wovild 
Sing Young — I seem to be learning from all the 
strange people who have come to my house this 
morning. 

Sing Young. I say hymn. Little dlops o' water, 
littlee glains o' sand — makee mightee ocean, and 
makee pleasantee deed of kindness, littlee word o' 
love, make him world one heaven, allee same One 
above! (Explaining) That mean, I think lady, 
allee little bit. He helplee whole lot ! (Pointing up- 
ward) I cookee dinner, make 'em eblybody feel 
happy. Fliend come bye and bye, eat vely good 
dinner — no makee too much, only plenty — bye and 
bye, feel strong, no dlink — no headache. (Hand to 
his head) Thanksgiving, thankee for you countly, 
my countly — American, eblybody countly ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. Oh, Celeste, the idea of a 
Chinese cook, is perfectly splendid ! ( To Sing 
Young) I shall be glad to have you stay! 

Sing Young. Me thankee. Me cookee Hover ! 
( To R. of table ) 

Celeste. (Looking off l.) Here is another 
cook, Madame ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Down r.) Heavens! Have 
they sent me every cook in town? 

{Enter from l., Miranda Stonewall' Jackson, a 
jolly darky woman.) 

Miranda. 'Scuse me folks, how is you all ? Fse 
Miranda Stonewall Jackson, and I'se gwine to help 
out fo' yo' dinner party! Laws! I'se cooked fo' 
quality, I has! 'Deed I has! (Laughing) 

Sing Young. Me cookee ! me cookee ! 

Miranda. (Advancing to l. c. eyeing Sing 



HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 23 

YovNG. threateningly) Who's dat? Chinaesser! 
Fo' Ian' sakes! Whar did dat come from? 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Hastily) It is very kind of 
you to come, Miranda, of course I'm delighted, 
but i 

Miranda. Don't yo' go fo' 'poHgizin' Misses. 
I'se goin' to get the vegatables, and the mince meat, 
and I knows how to Hobelize ! Don't yo' worry 
'bout nothin' Misses! Why look o' here — down 
South whar I done come from in Katuck, I was 
teached one thing — I was teached to be patient, an' 
polite, an' never' to waste nothing, not even a pin! 

Celeste. That is what we should do, Madame, 
pardon — if we have ze party, only so lettle 

Miranda. (To Celeste) Das right, honey — I 
reckon you come from somewhar's near-about my 
home? 

Celeste. No, from France ! 

Miranda. France ! I heered 'bout that place — 
de dog-gone Germans done bust it all up — das why 
we Hobelize — so's dem poo' folks ober whar you 
come from — (Indicate Celeste) dey all can get 
somethin' to eat ! 

Sing Young. (Delighted) Me cokee, me cokee, 
vely little — vely little 

Miranda. (Glaring at Sing Young) Yo' hoi' 
yo' tongue, Chinese — don't yo' int'rupt when I'se 
talkin' ! I make some cookie and some doughnuts 
fo' you white folks — an' I puts lot ob jam otl 'em-- 
an' you don't nev' need no butter, and no wheat ! 
No, Missus, I don't nev' 'low wheat ! 

Mrs. Doolittle. (Advancing to c.) Thank 
you, Miranda, and you, Sing Young, you have taught 
me my duty — dear little Celeste, too. With such 
loyal hearts to guide me. I shall be able to do my 
share. There are stormy days ahead — 

Miranda. 'Deed honey there is — we'se got to be 
awful savin' — 'tain't no joke, I'se tellin' you 



_>4 HOOVERIZING INTERNATIONALLE 

Celeste. So, Madame, I am -so glad — it will 
help ze poor, and ze soldiers. 

Mks. DooLiTTLE. We must help ; we will give our 
dinner party, but we will Hooverize everything, and 
with Sing Young's permission, I will change his 
poetry a little — {Stepping fonuard, addressing aud- 
ience ) 

Little grains of sugar 
Flour with bounteous hand 
For our gallant soldiers 
In a foreign land. 
A billion deeds of kindness 
A billion words of love. 
For each brave boy a token, 
For those He guards above ! 

Curtain. 



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